10-04-2016   News

In order to avoid suicide by sniper. Julian Assange Wikileaks founder moved his 10th anniversary press conference to Berlin by teleconference.

There had been rumors of drone strikes snipers even suitcase nukes to take out Assange before the press conference. The long awaited October surprise, the damning release of information showing the corruption of the….?

Julian Assange showed up with his typical translucent charm completely transparent from the lack of sunlight in the Ecuadorian Embassy. After a full 15 minutes of incoherent babel. He finally calmed down enough to become intelligible.

He asked for people to join the Wikileaks Army. Don’t worry, the leaks will come tomorrow.

After asking for a call to arms, he reverted back to incoherent drivel for several minutes. Proving he is not rapist, as no woman capable of reporting a rape would sleep with this man.

Shining like an incandescent bulb Mr. Assange shilled his newest books. I kept expecting him to start plugging Alex Jones’s water filters.

Some of the things I thought Mr. Assange may have said were “Fields of beans.” “I have an affinity with human beans.” “By their ambition” “I feel a little pale” He may not have bones, incandescent lightbulb head on top of a fidgeting mess of black t-shirt. After promoting his two upcoming books, he fell back into bleck. The aphasia is strong and his Australian accent makes it completely unintelligible.

And so Julian, do you actually have anything to tell us?

Don’t worry, Be Happy. I am starting to understand why Hillary suggested a drone strike. 10 years into Wikileaks. Julian Assange looks like a defeated man. He looked like he was about to break into tears. At least he is not a mouth breather. Congratulations to everyone that stayed up late. You were trolled by the original Australian shitposter. I planned to promote him, quote him, and build him up to be the martyr that he definitely had the potential to be.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t understand a word in his press conference. I do think he has something important to say. He sat there with black t-shirt with the word “Truth” on it. It looks like he is sitting on a Royal Flush, but he has to fill an inside straight, maybe he is looking for a pardon. Or safe passage out of the Ecuadorian embassy. I assume if anything important is going to come out, it will be a few hours before the upcoming Vice Presidential debate between Pence and Kaine.

Maybe nothing came out, with the whole world watching, because they got to him. I doubt that though. The live event finished while my buddies and I discussed tourmaline for your teeth. Tourmaline lost interest, and a slow motion coup that has been fomenting for the last 8 years is about to take over. Even Assange won’t say anything. The media is hacked. Nubile young voters will hit the polling stations in 34 days. They aren’t going to find a green frog on the ballot. The African Americans are hitting the streets for Trump, and it’s not even in the news. Nothing on CNN, except for George Soros’s BLM and the occasional custodian behind Lafayette Georgia’s elementary school sweeping up the burnt remnants of the American Flag. The truth will set you free, but the truth didn’t say anything today.

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